A641.9.3.RB_LeeDarrell - Becoming A Resonant Leader

This is my final blog for my Resonant Leadership course. Over the past nine weeks, we have learned to really look inward and to reflect on who we want to become, what we want to achieve, who we currently are, and how to engage in an intentional transition. When taking a course like this, there are two ways to go about it. We can either go through the motions and “fake it until we make it” (let’s face it – nobody in the class knows me so I could have easily made up everything on the fly) or we can truly engage in the material. I chose the Master of Science in Leadership because I truly want to be an effective leader. Therefore, I have spent a considerable amount of time engaging in the exercises and meditating on the material. Because of that, many of my thoughts have changed from week to week. Some of them have even changed mid-assignment. I am sure that my thoughts will continue to evolve as time progresses.

For this final assignment, we have been asked to take things in a slightly different direction. As you are well aware, I speak freely in my blogs and I write in the same style in which I speak. However, I am always addressing you, the reader. Today, I am going to address an entirely different audience – me. I have been asked to compose a letter to myself. I speak to myself on a daily basis. Hey, this is New York City. That’s how I scare off the tourists! Just kidding. But full disclosure – I don’t know how to do this. I don’t keep a diary or a journal but perhaps it isn’t such a bad idea. This first experience may be just a bit awkward until I get used to it, though.

I am genuinely excited about what you have learned about yourself over the past several weeks. One of the most poignant self-discoveries is that your values are maybe not exactly what you thought they were. You always take such great pride in your integrity. I still remember that morning on the subway when it finally hit you that you are willing to bend the rules to accomplish a greater good. Congratulations, you old stickler! Remember how Mom and Becky always make fun of you for driving so slow because you refuse to violate the speed limit? I guess you now have my permission to bend or even break a few rules here and there to get to where you need to be.

Speaking of which, let’s talk about were you need to be heading. Darrell, you are destined for something great. You may never be wealthy. You may never have a high position of leadership. You may never change the world, but you are called to make wherever you are a better place. You are destined to serve the greater good by showing others how to experience true joy. I don’t know what your future career may hold for you but right now we are going to work toward you starting a firm specializing in veteran job placement but what you do is secondary to who you are and who you will become.

There are a few things that you are going to need to learn to reach your vision. Also, remember that your vision is not fixed. It can and will change. Hey, it has even changed since you started this course. Why would you not expect it to change as you change? For each of the things that you need to learn, you need to have reasonable and realistic milestones. You are also going to need some support along the way. You can’t do this on your own. I know that you lament losing the deep bond with your father. I hope that time will continue to heal those wounds and that your relationship will be fully restored. If not, keep leaning a little on Rick Calero. Also remember that the rest of your family supports you. They want to see you succeed. Lean on them.

Darrell, the first thing that you have to learn is to control your frustration. I think you know what I mean by this. You’re a very logical person and are amazing at working through problems. You think in ways that most others don’t. You see emerging patterns and make connections that few others can see without being shown. However, not everybody’s mind works like yours and you kind of let it show when others can’t follow your logic. I know you clench your jaw and have fluctuations in your tone. So here is what you are going to do. When you are explaining something, show a little maturity by pausing before attempting to explain again. But don’t just pause. Learn to love that brief moment. During that time, I want you to feel what others around you are feeling. Seek to see the problem from their angle. Now you’re about to retire from the Army so it may be hard to measure this because you don’t have much time but I want you to focus on that action for these final few months then have a sensing session with your team as you leave. Ask them how they would rate you now then again in six months. See what the difference is. I bet that will become habit.

Next, you need to learn to say “no”. I know that you struggle so much with this but how are you going to reach your vision if you are constantly giving of yourself to the point that you can’t function? You’re going to burn yourself out. I know that you want to please everybody and I even know that your vision is to help everybody else learn to be joyful. What better way than by sacrificing of yourself, right? Wrong. Darrell, sometimes others need to hear “no” and learn to be content with what they have to experience true joy. Right now, I can say that you have not denied a single subordinate any time off for which they have asked. You haven’t said “no” to accepting any assignments or duties from your commander. But why have you not? I want you to put your foot down. Set limits. Let’s start with something easy. When you get home from work, turn off your work cell phone. Do not check e-mail on the weekend. Again, I wish that you had more time to see the results of this. There is no telling where you will be after the next year. I wish that we had a few years to see the change but we don’t. However, a good milestone will be to see what people are asking of you in your final couple of months in the Army. If you learn to tactfully say “no” now, it will reflect when you are trying to clear. You know how these people are. They would ask you to come into work on the day of your funeral if you let them. See what they are demanding in your final month.

Finally, learn to relax. I know that this is the hardest thing for you. You are always go-go-go. Right now, you are preparing for retirement, finishing grad school, and networking for your next job. I get it. That is a lot. The thing is that even when it isn’t a lot, you make it a lot. You are used to working 50+ hours a week and your last real vacation was, what, five years ago? You are setting yourself up for dissonance. This may be the easiest learning objection to action but the hardest to embrace. Fortunately, it is easy to measure. I want you to plan a vacation next summer. Plan it six months out and stick to it. Every year for the next five years, you need to plan two vacations every year. By 2023, you need to have visited at least four foreign countries. Of course, relaxation is more than just travel but let’s start there. You’re a wanderlust at heart. Embrace it!

Once you learn these three measurable learning goals – controlling frustration, saying no, and learning to relax – I think that you will find that you are close to becoming the man that you want to be. Just remember, you’re a direction focused kind of guy. That means that you don’t need to worry about specific goals. Just be the man that you know you need to be! And revisit this from time to time. See where you are. When it seems that you are still so far from your goal, don’t be afraid to look back and see how far you have come!