Living
in New York City is very unlike living anywhere else. We do life just a little
differently than the rest of the world. We don’t drive. We don’t live in
houses. We party on the weeknights and go to be early on the weekends. We NEVER
go to Times Square. And we conform. Therefore, it is very easy to spot the
tourists. They are usually the ones blocking the doors on express train with
their big maps and backpacks during rush hour. God bless them. We love them and
are glad they are here. We just want them to get out of our way, especially
during rush hour. The other day, I was heading to a charity event in Hell’s Kitchen
and was walking through the Columbus Circle station on the SW corner of Central
Park. Like most of us, I was wearing my headphones (I usually don’t even have
music going but by wearing them I can ignore people without anybody thinking
anything of it) and was in a rush but there was a group of tourists from some
youth group in Texas. They were all wearing the same t-shirt and looked very
lost. Being a native Texan, I took pity on them and stopped to ask what they
needed. They said they were trying to get to Union Square. I said, “No problem.
Just take the A, C, or E to 14th Street then transfer to the L and
it will be your 2nd stop.” I figured if I told the entire group, one
of them would understand but they still looked so confused. The chaperone of
the group said, “Ok, so where are we now then?” They knew where they wanted to
be. They just couldn’t understand how to get there because they didn’t know
where they were. They were lost.
Over
the past seven weeks of this course, Resonant Leadership, we have been studying
concepts such as identifying our “ideal self” (Boyatzis & McKee, 2005), developing
our personal vision (McKee, Boyatzis, & Johnston, 2008), and the
intentional change required to help us become the leader/person that we want to
be (Boyatzis & McKee, 2005). In other words, we have identified our
destination. But without understanding where we truly currently are, we are
like those tourists from Texas and we will never get there. Therefore, today I
am focusing a little more on appreciating my real self – not who I strive to be
but who I am in this present moment. The bottom line is that “effective change involves
mindful awareness of who you currently
are. We each have unique characteristics that form as a result of our
biology, life experiences, and current situation. We are always evolving and
adapting as we encounter new situations in life” (McKee, Boyatzis, &
Johnston, 2008, p. 111).
We
read a story this week about a woman named Jill that accepted a new promotion/position
but was unsure if she was truly up to the challenge of it (McKee, Boyatzis,
& Johnston, 2008). She knew that she had strengths but had a tendency to
dwell on her weaknesses and shortcomings. This story really hit home for me because
I am about to retire from the Army in just about a year and will be forced to
accept a new position. Considering I’ll have a master’s degree, I don’t intend
to stay at an entry level position for a moment longer than needed. However, there
is always that doubt about being up for the challenge. I know that I want to market
my strengths but I am concerned that my shortcomings may hinder me. The thought
of being fired from a job absolutely terrifies me. However, to overcome this,
Jill received feedback from her team and was surprised to hear that they didn’t
focus on her shortcomings at all. She was focused on things that they barely
even noticed. I was with a couple of my friends last night and asked what they
thought of me professionally. Like Jill, I was encouraged to hear the strengths
that they saw and to not hear my weaknesses. This has helped me to see a clear
picture – a holistic picture – of myself.
As a
part of this holistic view of me, I had to begin with how I got to where I am
today. I completed a little exercise where I drew out my lifeline. I started
when I was born in 1980 and marked all of the major life events from then to now.
Some of them are very personal so I won’t be sharing them here but this helped
me see how those events shaped my views, attitudes, values, and overall
personality. I conducted a similar exercise with my career except in reverse
order. I started with where I am now as a station commander and documented the
feelings that I had and the highlights of the experience and went back to the
beginning of my work experience. It’s funny because when I did that I remembered
that I actually was once fired from a part time job when I was 17. Remember, I
said that is one of my great fears of the future but it wasn’t a very traumatic
event when it happened the first time. (That wasn’t a typo. It was NOT
traumatic. It caught me by surprise but I now remember thinking that if they
were firing me then I would just take myself elsewhere. And I was fired for
something that I didn’t do, by the way.) I then compared my lifeline and career
line and found some connections. For example, my first deployment to Iraq was a
major life experience that helped me learn to remain calm under pressure which
set me up for success in my next position which was my first team leadership
role.
The
next exercise that I conducted helped me to analyze my social identities and
roles and how that helps shape who I am. When I say social roles, what I mean are
social positions such as son, friend, brother, uncle, etc. I recently watched a
movie – I don’t remember what it was called but it was a comedy – where a man
was engaged but realized that he had no friends so sought out to court a new
best friend. Sometimes I feel like that. I am very well connected through my
social club and American Legion post. However, I don’t have many friends where
I just hang out with on a regular basis outside of the club. Sometimes this
grates on me just a little but looking at my social roles helps it all make a
little more sense. I am a Soldier in a non-Army town. I am 37 and have no
children. The activities in which I participate are often solo activities. I
have no family nearby. Therefore, it makes sense that my friends – the ones
that I do see on a regular basis - are primarily veterans with no children. In
fact, ALL of my friends that I see on a regular basis fall into that category.
This is not necessarily a bad thing. It just helps to know why I am in the
social circles where I am. These social circles are instrumental in developing
my values and also are integral to my cycles of renewal (Boyatzis & McKee,
2015).
The
final exercise led me to explore my current strengths. As previously stated, we
often have a tendency to dwell on our shortcomings so it is nice to reflect on
where we excel. There are three primary strengths that I know that I have.
First, I have compassion. This moves me to action and helps me to break down
barriers. Second, I am amazing at networking. It has been said that it’s all
about who you know. I happen to know a lot of the right people from CEOs and hedge
fund managers to marketing specialists and clergy members. (I actually still
have a physical Rolodex full of business cards and I send Christmas/holiday
cards.) My final strength (well, not my final one but the final one that I explored
on the exercise) is my ability to focus on logic while still incorporating the
emotional needs of others through empathy. This is a skill that I have just
recently begun to develop over the last year and a half, really – since I have
been enrolled in the Master of Leadership program – but it is one that I think
I was able to embrace fairly quickly and has revolutionized the way that I interact
with the world around me.
It
is nice to know where I am right now. As I continue on my journey to my ideal
self, I will continually have to reevaluate my position. However, if we don’t
know where we are, how can we know how to get to where we are going?
Boyatzis,
R. & McKee, A. (2005). Resonant
Leadership. Boston, MA: Harvard Business School
Press
McKee,
A., Boyatzis, R. E., & Johnston, F. (2008). Becoming a Resonant
Leader: Develop Your
Emotional
Intelligence, Renew Your Relationships, Sustain Your Effectiveness. Boston: Harvard
Business Press.
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