One
of the reasons that I chose to study leadership instead of management for my
master’s program was because management applies to organizations whereas
leadership applies to organizations and to life in general. Yes, I want to have
the degree to land one of those nice six figure jobs but my primary objective
is to become the best version of me possible.
As I
write this, I am partaking in one of my favorite yearly traditions. I am
watching the TCS NYC Marathon. I live on the northeast corner of Central Park at
mile 22.5 so I love to take my posters downstairs and whip up some mimosas to
take with me (I put them in a water bottle so as to not draw too much attention
to myself since that is not exactly legal) and cheer on the runners. The first
wave of elite runners should be here in about an hour and a half.
I
have never run a marathon myself but I have done several half marathons. Some
may think that running is a mindless exercise but the truth is that it is a mentally
and emotionally taxing ordeal. It takes an enormous amount of self-control and
fortitude to take your body to the breaking point then to keep pushing. Imagine
doing that surrounded by 51,000 other mentally broken people. How do they do
it? It takes an enormous amount of maturity. It takes nothing less than a
developed emotional intelligence (EI) which is what we have been studying in
class this week.
Dr. Daniel
Goleman (2012), author and psychologist, is on the forefront of the study and presentation
of EI which has four primary attributes: self-awareness, self-management,
empathy, and skilled relationships. Though they aren’t steps, you could almost
look at them as such. Let’s quickly go over each of them.
Self-awareness – Again, this isn’t
a “step” but before we can apply any other part of EI, we have to be aware of
ourselves. This means that we know what we are feeling and why we are feeling
it. I think about those runners that go by my apartment. Right when they pass
me, they begin what is often called “Hell Hill”. It isn’t steep but it is a
noticeable uphill straight for an entire mile when the runners are already
beyond exhausted. When runners hit that, they may feel a mix of anger, fear,
frustration, exhilaration, etc. A strong sense of self-awareness allows them to
identify exactly what they are feeling it and why they are feeling it. Think
about this in other aspects of life as well such as in our organizations.
Perhaps we have looming deadlines, a lack of production, a loss of resources, a
corporate restructuring, etc. To us, that may be our “Hell Hill” at work. It
may bring a flood of emotions and we need to identify exactly what we are
feeling.
Self-awareness
is more than just identifying what we feel and why we feel it. It is also what
gives us our intuition. These are the gut feelings that we have and we need to
be able to understand why. This drives our moral compass.
Self-management – Again, these
are not steps as they all work together simultaneously but we have to have
self-awareness to have self-management. Once we are aware of what we are
feeling and why we are feeling it, we need to learn to control those feelings.
Self-management is about handling our distressing emotions in an effective way
so that they don’t cripple you. This doesn’t mean to repress those feelings but
sometimes we can reframe them to where they aren’t quite so overwhelming. We
can’t be delusional and think that our negative feelings can always be turned
to positive. In fact, there are times that we need to tap into those negative
feelings of fear and anger and frustration. It is okay to express that.
Self-management is just about mitigating the effects of that. Again, relating
it to the runners going up the hill – they can use those feelings of fear,
frustration, and anger to dig just a little deeper and push just a little
harder.
Empathy – This element of
EI is pretty self-explanatory – we have to make the effort to feel what others
are feeling. If we don’t, it will always be an “us versus them” mentality. We
can relate this to just about every
aspect of our lives. One of my favorite TED Talks is about learning to work
together politically. Let’s face is – that is one of the biggest divides in the
nation right now and it tears people apart. Arthur Brooks (2016) of the
American Enterprise Institute talked about how to overcome some of the barriers
between us. You see, sometimes true empathy is not possible to achieve.
Sometimes we have to force it and that is okay. Let me repeat that – it is okay
to force empathy. But how do we do that? We listen. Empathy begins with
knowledge which can only come from listening and that leads to understanding.
Then we can reframe our own thoughts to view them through the lens of those
with which we disagree. For example, perhaps you are pro-universal health care.
By listening and understanding the arguments from those that are opposed to it,
you can say something like, “How do we ensure that everybody has medical
coverage without crippling our economy?” Or perhaps you are pro-life as I am. I
will never support abortion and I will never be able to feel the same way as
those that but what I CAN say, “How can we reduce abortions while ensuring that
the women involved are taken care of?” Sometimes it is just about framing our
own thoughts so that they incorporate the needs of others. When we do that, we
will begin to realize that we all pretty much want the same thing. In our
organizations, we all want success. We just may have different views of how to
get there. In our relationships, we all want to get along. We may just need to
understand the needs of others as well as our own.
Skilled relationships – This brings us
to the final element of EI – skilled relationships (or relationship
management). This is how we interact with others and how we use the other elements
of EI to exert influence and build teamwork and collaboration.
Goleman
(2012) discovered something about EI. All of these elements seem so simple,
right? They are natural. So why don’t we have a better handle on EI? The fact
is that is must be practiced. That is why it is critical to study it. We can’t
put into practice that which we don’t know. One of my friends recently asked me
why I chose to study leadership. He said something along the lines of, “Yeah,
but leadership is just kind of something that you learn from experience”. I
explained that though that is true, we can also use the experience of others to
learn how to be effective leaders and that requires a baseline of knowledge. Sure,
we can develop EI on our own but is it not better to identify what it is first
so we can work toward that?
We
watched another TED Talk by Goleman (2007) this week that really tied this all
together for me. In it, he talked about a few things that really struck a chord
for me. First, he identified that it is human nature to, by default, relate to
and help others. However, as previously noted, EI is a learned behavior
(Goleman, 2012). That means that if we do continue to practice EI, we won’t
necessarily know how to help others.
Goleman (2007) talked about how he was here in NYC and there was a homeless man
passed out on the subway platform. People just walked around and over him. They
all ignored him. I am guilty of doing the same thing, I have to admit. However,
he went over and tried to help the man. As soon as he did that, several other
people came to his assistance as well. You see, our natural default – the way
we are wired – is to work together. We are supposed to understand our own
thoughts and we are supposed to be empathetic and we are supposed to manage our
relationships but we don’t because we don’t know how. Sometimes, it just takes
someone to show us. And that gives me great hope. We are learning how and we
can show others how as well.
With
that being said, it is about time for me to head downstairs with my posters and
my mimosas in my water bottle. I have to tell these runners that I understand
what they are feeling and I have to tell them that we are going to achieve this
together – them through their physical efforts and me through my cheering!
Brooks,
A. (2016, February). A Conservative’s
Plea: Let’s Work Together [Video file].
Retrieved from https://www.ted.com/talks/arthur_brooks_a_conservative_s_plea_let_s_work_together
Goleman,
D. (2007, March). Why Aren’t We More
Compassionate? [Video file]. Retrieved from
https://www.ted.com/talks/daniel_goleman_on_compassion
Goleman,
D. [Big Think]. (2012, April 23). Daniel
Goleman Introduces Emotional Intelligence
[Video file]. Retrieved from
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7m9eNoB3NU
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